2010

This year has been a busy one to say the least.  It has been a time of renewal, change, growth, and movement.

I'm not sure that if someone had told me on Jan. 1 2010 where I would be on Jan. 1 2011 I would have believed them, yet in the same breath everything this year has gone (for the most part) according to plan.

From Jan to April I finished my last semester at Wittenberg and graduated in May with a BA in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology and a minor in Religion.  From there I packed my life up in a luggage set and moved all the way to Custer, South Dakota where I spent the summer working as the Program Dirctor of Outlaw Ranch.  Camp ended the 13th of Aug and on the 15th I was in St Paul, MN beginning my trainning for Lutheran Volunteer Corps (LVC).  A week later I found myself in Omaha, NE starting my work with Trinity Lutheran Church and Nile Lutheran Chapel. 

On a more personal level, 2010 has brought shifting relationships.  I grew closer to some friends that I now live far away from.  Some relationships fell apart, due mostly to the fault of humans being broken things.  I have found a community of which I am so happy to be apart.  I've discovered that no matter how little you see some people, you will always carry them in your heart (and I know that they also carry me).  I have had the chance to help people grow and discover their own talents and in return grown myself.  And through all this changing landscapes of people I have had Marty by my side, loving and supporting me. 

2010 has been a year of much shifting in my life, of much turn over and movement.  My hope for 2011 is that it is a year of settling.  I think the verb "to settle" gets a bad rap most of the time.  It seems to imply that one is giving up on something better and accepting whatever is before them.  I've come up with this metaphor to explain what I mean when I say I want to settle:
My life, my being, is sand and the world around me is water.  These last few years have been ones of change and movement.  The sand is all mixed up in the water and I want this year to begin the time of the sand settling to the bottom and collecting all the different things that have come from the movement.  I need to settle, not to just accept where I am in life, but to allow everything to come together and the different influences in my life become known.  How will I know much more mixing and movement I need in my life if I don't allow time for all of the previous movements to come together? If I don't take quiet time to listen to my life?

So, my hope for 2011 is that is will be a time of settling in my life; a time for the water to become clear and the sand to come together. 

Welcome to the Real World!

It seems that at every turn in life there is someone telling me to get ready for the next step forward.  In middle school I remember taking finals, which counted for very little, because that’s what I would have to do in high school and I should get used to it now.  In high school, things got harder as the teachers tried to prepare us for college.  Once in college I was lectured about there would be no extensions in post-grad work or the real world. 

The real world… this seems to be a phrased that was tossed around a lot in these preparations for the next step in life, as if each move forward brought me closer to this line that I would eventually step over.  Once that happened, it seemed that there would be no turning back and I had better pray that all my prep work paid off.

I’ve encounter this idea of real world in other setting too.  When I worked at camp, there was always this lingo of getting back to the real world once the summer was over.  When I’m on retreats I find this lingo used as well. 

As I try and understand my 22 years of preparation for the real world and my escapes from it, I find myself not fully understanding what constitutes this real world that everyone seems to be talking about.  Is it that I have to work 40 hours a week? That I pay my own bills? Must I live free of parental supervision? Should I be married to gain access? Or perhaps I need children?  Maybe I need to be struggling to make ends meet? Surely then I will understand!  I feel like I’m grasping at straws to figure out when my own life will enter the ranks of those “living in the real world.” 

But, the more I think about it, the more I’m inclined to think that those time in my life that I was being trained for the real world or escaping from the real world are the only real times I’ve actually experienced it.  Places like Outlaw Ranch (my camp), an LVC retreat, a Friday night at Wittenberg, or a family gathering at Thanksgiving are the epitome of what I’ve decided my real world will be about.

The real world is not about supporting yourself but rather supporting others. It is not about how much you can save but how much you can part with.  It is not how much knowledge you have accumulated but the wisdom you can pass on. And the size of your house means nothing compared to the size of your heart.

It turns out I’ve been standing in the midst of the real world all my life and that’s a much easier journey than the maps handed out by society led me to think.

Thinking.

I haven't posted for awhile (in case you didn't notice), I don't know what to say.  My musings of late seem to be ones that I mostly want to keep on a less public forum than this.  So I'll try to distill some ideas, thoughts, and feelings that might be of interest.  It being the end of the year and all, who isn't musing at least a little?

1) Self mastery is a bitch! My housemates and I have had the opportunity to do some self discover by way of the enneagram (if you don't know what that is check out this website http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/, it is some very interesting stuff (I'm an 8 if you were wondering)).  We know have several book in the house of which I am able to read that help me dive into my psyche and become a more self-aware me.  To keep it short, the process is long, painful, and an overall pain in the ass (though I am getting a lot out of it or I would not continue).

2) While the holidays are full of joy and blessings, they are also full of pain and heartache.  I don't think our society (religious or secular) on the whole does a very good job of acknowledging how hard the holidays really are for people who have lost someone close to them, or for those who have suffered hardships throughout the year.  I would encourage everyone to ask someone how they are doing in the midst of the season and then really listen to the answer.

3) As I was driving round downtown Omaha recently, enjoying the lights and decorations I found myself asking the question, "How much more money does Omaha spend on electricity during Christmas/ Winter season? and how could that money be redirected to build up more than the appearance of Omaha?" I have no answer but I does make me think a lot about the gap between what people say and what they do.

4) I've been doing adult things for far longer than I was aware, I just thought everyone my age was doing them too

5) The only real control I will ever have in this world is over myself; my actions, my reactions, my words.  I must be careful not to abuse this control most of all.

6) I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to cry uncontrollably. A time when I didn't hold back the snot and salt water and everything else that goes along with that.  Can you?

Thanks for reading
Happy Advent